Chapter 29: The Year Of Sensuality

I have never associated myself with being sexy.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been overweight for most of my life or because I’m only 5 feet tall. Or because I made a faith-based decision to remain abstinent until marriage.

I know I’m beautiful, but sexy has never been the way that I described myself.

If I’m being honest (which is what I aspire to do with this blog), I’ve sought out male validation and defined my attractiveness based on the level of attention that I got from the opposite sex. I didn’t get that from guys that I was interested in that much, so I naturally shied away from embracing my sensuality and sexuality.

My good friend Bre unknowingly planted a seed of how I wanted to bring in my 29th birthday. A few months ago we were talking about how she has never really seen herself as sexy, and that was the first revelation that I hadn’t either. She’s been changing the narrative by buying lingerie and having “Feel Good Fridays,” where she drinks wine, listens to music, and just vibe out. That inspired me to show up in this space more.

A few weeks later, I was talking to my best friend Melissa about how I’ve often felt overlooked by guys. She encouraged me to put myself out there a little bit more and tasked me with creating a mood board to channel the energy that I’m trying to give off, instead of my homegirl vibes. That sparked an idea for me to channel what I call “bad b!tch energy.”

As raunchy as her lyrics may be, Meg Thee Stallion is my girl. I love how in tune she is with her sexuality. Turn on “Cash Shit” or “Realer” and I can recite every word with so much swag, even if the lyrics are not my reality.

As I enter the last chapter of my 20s, I’ve decided to channel my inner Meg.

I started by having a boudoir photoshoot it was such an amazing and liberating experience. While this type of photoshoot is often reserved for a partner, it felt good to do something just for me. It was beautiful to embrace that side of myself and to show myself so much love and appreciation, love handles and all lol.

This afternoon I’m having a private pole dancing class with a small group of friends at Polelateaz in Atlanta to celebrate my birthday. The class is themed around the show P-Valley on Starz, which gives a glimpse of strip culture. Twerking will be in full effect! I am so excited to just let loose and do something different.

This is just the beginning of tapping into another side of me. It’s time to explore my sensuality more.

I’m buying lingerie just because. Continuing to buy myself flowers. Practicing twerking in the mirror daily. Getting more smell goods that make me want to kiss my damn self. Pampering myself with manis and pedis more regularly. And listening to music that makes me feel like a grown-ass woman… because I am one.

I’ve hidden behind my good girl image for years because it felt safe. And to keep it 100, I’ve felt some shame around being a virgin and have never been in a real relationship.

I now see that being sensual and in tune with who I am as a woman, is not synonymous with being sexually active. It’s time to love a new part of myself. I’m ready to see what she’s working with.